Risks

The moment pictured above almost gave me a heart attack.  My little man was in his element and screaching with joy.  And yet, this momma was terrified.  Somehow I think this isn't the last time we'll have such conflicting emotions at the same time.  I'm pretty sure my boy is a natural risk taker.  And let's face it, after the years of loss and heartache we went through to become his parents, I'd like to skip any risk taking at all.

The photo was taken at the Raleigh airport.  They have an amazing observation deck that allows kids and adults to see the planes take off and land.  We had just dropped Daddy off to head home and we stopped here for a few minutes with our friend Davis.  This is a regular stop for Davis and Beverly.  The deck is about one story off the ground, and has the protective railing you see in the photo.  Quinn was so excited to see the planes and to jump and run on the platform.  At one point he even dangled his foot through the railing.  It was at that moment that I am pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment.  Taking the photo you see here was about as far away from him.

My heart would like to wrap him in a bubble forever.  My brain knows that he has to learn to explore the world and take risks.  He's going to get hurt and he needs to know that I will be there to dust him off and encourage him to try again.  He's had his share of bumps and bruises already- the joys of early walking.  It's not the little things that worry me- it's the big things.  As I saw him dangle his foot, my brain knew he wouldn't fall, but my heart immediately went to the worst case of him falling to the ground.  The same is true when he races to the big kid playground equipment and climbs to the top.  (That would be a lot easier if the would take the slides down instead of insisting on climbing back down!)

While I am sure all parents have these worries, I think those of us who have dealt with infertility feel it with a different set of lenses.  I spent years preparing myself for the worst possible scenario as we went into each new treatment cycle or adoption situation.  It was easier to mentally prepare for the worst and then be surprised if the worst didn't happen.  Of course, we had too many times where the worst did happen.  It's a mind set that I keep using in every situation that has a potential to be challenging.  It has served me well at times, but I fear it is now tainting my parenting. 

So it's all about balance.  I can't change my internal protective shield, but I can change the way I express it to Quinn.  I'm working on quieting that screaming heart racing lunatic in my heart, and keeping her tucked safely in my soul.  I don't want to be a helicopter parent, and more than anything I worry about sheltering him too much.  He's already got to deal with having older parents and being an only child.  I don't want to fall into the stereotypes those two categories often perpetrate. I want him to take risks and learn and grow, and I hope that I can also learn and grow as I watch him.

Anyone else having the same struggle?  Thoughts?

Life with a Toddler

Life with a toddler is intense.  It's amazing and wonderful, but intense.  I don't think I was prepared for just how intense life would be.  This little face lights up my world, but also drains just about every drop of my energy each day.  I wouldn't trade a moment, but this momma is running on fumes most of the time.

Quinn is now 16 months old and in constant motion.  He's 27 lbs and 33 inches, so most people expect him to be closer to 18 months when they ask how old he is.  His gross motor skills are off the charts.  He's not only walking, but running just about everywhere.  He loves climbing and wants no part of the little kid playground stuff- he goes right to the big kid steps.  However, he wants no part of slides, so getting down from the top of said playground equipment is often interesting!

He's talking, but still has a rather limited vocabulary.  He uses one word, "da" for about 100 different things, so you have to know the context to know what he wants.  He still hasn't called me momma, but says Daddy and doggy regularly.  My friends with boys tell me this is very normal, and once they start saying momma they won't stop... ever.  He seems to be getting a little frustrated lately, as it is clear he knows what he wants but doesn't have the words to share his desires with us.  He's still in the range of normal development here- so we're not worried.  We'd just like for him to use words rather than the screams he's currently using.  :)

Thankful that I am now on summer vacation, and have some time to figure out some systems and spend some much needed quality time with my boys.  We  spent some time with good friends in Raleigh and I managed my first flight solo with Quinn.  We spent last weekend with our high school age swimmers on a travel meet to central Wisconsin.  Hoping to have some down time now to just enjoy all that summer has to offer a curious toddler!  We've done two children's museums already, and he's loved each one.  We're hoping to head to the zoo next week.  There's about a million things I want to do with our little guy now that he is big enough to enjoy them!  We also put in a patio and bought some outdoor toys for Quinn.  He wants to be outside as much as he can.  He's a boy after our own hearts!

Trying to find a balance.  Working through some thoughts that I am hoping to write up here soon.  Thank you to all who have reached out to me via email or comments here.  I know I keep saying it, but hopefully I can find time to write here again.  Just like our infertility and adoption journeys, this parenting journey is full of things I need to process and bounce off you!

On the eve of his first birthday...

A year ago, I can only imagine what was happening in Quinn's birthmother's life.  Chris and I were in the throws of daily struggles with M and I was cautiously hopeful that we were going to be parents in a few months.  Little did we know that Q's birthmom had already made a decision that would forever change our life.  It was a few more days until we learned about Quinn, and a few more before he was in our arms, but this sweet boy was about to make his entrance into the world.

I am grateful that we've been able to send monthly updates to her, and hope that she will allow us to continue to do so.  I'm at a loss for words as I write this month's update.  The magnitude of this milestone for all of us weighs heavy on my heart.  I can't imagine our life without Quinn, and I don't know that I will ever be able to understand the decision she made to place with us.  We are forever thankful, and believe with our whole heart that Quinn was the child meant to be in our arms.  We'll spend the rest of our lives making sure he knows how loved and cherished he is- by us and his birthmom.

I have only the emails from her on that first day we learned of Quinn as the documentation of his birth story.  While there's a tiny part of me that is sad I wasn't there to experience his entrance into the world, I also cherish the notion that it was a time for just Quinn and his birthmom.  I don't have a birth story to share- but I do have the story of our weekend in "labor" as we had to move mountains to get him in our arms. 

Tomorrow will be about celebrating this little miracle and his first year on this earth.  But for tonight, I'm going to reflect on the gift of life and the amazing wonder of adoption. 

Saturday morning musings

It's a quiet Saturday morning. There's more snow falling outside, and winter has a firm grip on Chicago this year. Chris was up early to head to the pool for practice, and my sweet boy is still sound asleep. You would think I'd be enjoying the time sleeping as well. My mind has other ideas. 

Quinn is less than two weeks away from turning one. My heart can't even believe it. When I think back to a year ago, we had NO idea how much our life was about to change! We were working closely with M, and the daily stress was starting to get to me. Little did I know that Quinn's birth mom had already made a decision and was preparing to give birth and place with Chris and I. I don't think I'll ever have the capacity to understand the emotion and intent she went through.  I wish that I could meet her and give her a hug, but that us not what her wishes include. I have so much love and respect for a woman I've never met and I will spend the rest of my life being grateful for this amazing woman. I only hope that I can instill the same sense of love and respect in Quinn.  

This parenting stuff is far from easy, and adoptive parenting adds another dimension. I want my son to grow up to be a kind and strong soul who makes an positive impact on the world. I can only hope that the decisions we've made in this first year have started to lay a foundation for just that. 

Listening to the sounds of him waking in the nursery makes my heart swell and also means my quiet musings will have to end here for today. 

Reflecting on 2013

It's almost impossible to put into words.  Twenty thirteen was one heck of a year!  When I look back at this post I wrote on January 1st, I was finally feeling hopeful that 2013 was going to be our year.  Boy was it ever! 

After years of wishing, praying, hoping, dreaming, that this would be the year... we finally did it.  We finally got to have the year of our lives.  For the first time ever, I am actually a little sad to see a year end.  It will be the year that will always hold most of Quinn's "firsts."  For that, 2013 will always be one of the most cherished years of my life.  However, I know that we have so much to look forward to, that I am also very excited to see what 2014 will hold.

Before we move on,  pardon me while I take a moment to reminisce about 2013. 

January brought lots of nesting as we prepared for M's baby.  I set up the nursery, went to an u/s with her, and she visited our home.  We had no idea how much life would change... for the better.... in the coming month!

February will forever be my favorite month ever!  Our lives changed in a moment when Quinn was finally placed in our arms on February 18th.  He was born 2/13/13 and his birthmother chose us after finding our profile through facebook.  She has chosen to remain anonymous, but we communicate with her each month via email.  We'll never understand the magnitude of her decision, and by the grace of the hard work of our attorney, we were able to move mountains to make sure he was in our forever family. 

March brought my 38th birthday.  What a difference a year makes!  Feeling nothing but the luck of the Irish this year, and loving every moment of maternity leave with my sweet baby.  No crazy spring break trips for us this year, just lots of snuggle time with our little miracle!  We also celebrated Quinn's first Easter.  He wasn't all that impressed with the chocolate just yet.  :)  M's baby is born, but we are not notified.

April meant my return to work.  It was a tough adjustment, but thankful for amazing coworkers and friends who make me love what I do. Quinn also made his swim team debut at the annual swim team banquet.  We're so incredibly blessed to have so many people who love our little man and want to support us in any way they can.   We also learned that M had decided to parent, and we made peace with being a family of three.

May brought Chris' 40th birthday.  Neither of us ever said it, but it was important to both of us that we become parents before he turned 40.  I was able to throw a (not really) surprise party for him.  Again, we were surrounded by the people who mean the most to us.  It was so exciting to share this milestone birthday with those we love and cherish.  Some of our swimmers even managed to make it home from college to surprise him.  May also brought my very first Mother's day.  What an incredible day that was!

June brought our 17th wedding anniversary... which we celebrated in Florida with our senior swim team.  It was a great trip, and Quinn's first plane ride and visit to the ocean.  Neither of us saw the ocean until we were in our 20's so he's already well ahead of his parents!  :)  He was a trooper and did very well on the trip.  Really not a fan of the ocean, but hoping by 2014 he will enjoy it just a little!

July was Quinn's first race with daddy on the 4th.  We tried to make the most of Mommy's really short summer and embraced all that summer had to offer.  We spent lots of time outside and playing with friends.  I also faced one of my greatest fears and had oral surgery in July.  The healing wasn't as bad as the anticipation!

August meant back to work for me.  It also meant a week of being a single mom while Chris was in California with our swimmers at the National Meet.  It was a tough week- I missed being with Chris on the trip, Quinn & I missed having Daddy home, and I had to shuffle Quinn from sitter to sitter for the week.  We made it work, but it was tough.  Quinn also started solid foods this month.  I was really excited for him to try avocado- he had no interest at all.

September meant the start of the Fall season.  We spent lots of time with friends, and made a trip to the apple orchard.  We tried to experience all that fall had to offer!

October brought more fall fun, with a trip to the pumpkin patch with friends from school.  Quinn also had minor surgery, and came through like a champ.  Quinn didn't do any trick or treating, but loved passing out candy at Aunt Miriam's house with everyone.  He was our little Clark Kent for Halloween- a nod to his super start in life.  :)

November reminded us to take a moment to reflect on how much we have to be thankful for.  We are so incredibly blessed!  Quinn had his first illness in November, but handled it better than mom and dad did!  He was our favorite little turkey for Thanksgiving, but had no interest in eating anything that we tried to share!

December brought the magic of Christmas.  We've dreamed of sharing Christmas with a child for so many years.  It was purely magical.  Quinn has been the greatest gift we could ever ask for. We're forever thankful to his birthmother who chose to entrust us with raising this little soul.

And now, on this last day of 2013- we can't even believe all the good that encompassed the year.  We're forever changed and can't believe we get to spend next year- and every year after that- with this sweet soul.  Our hearts are full as we look into 2014.

Thank you for those of you who are still reading.  I know I haven't been the best blogger this year.  Hoping that I'll be able to get back into a routine and be able to share some of my thoughts on parenting, adoption, teaching, and so much more in 2014.

Here's something I found online and it just spoke to me... my wishes for each of you in 2014.

Merry Christmas!

Yes, we're in matching plaid thanks to Gymboree. Please don't judge. ;)

We had an incredible first Christmas. I can't even begin to put it in words. Feeling so incredibly blessed. Santa was very good to us! 

December Update- 9 & 10 months and more

So many of the blogs I regularly read during our struggle are like this one... we're not posting nearly as much as we once did.  It isn't because I don't have things to share.  It isn't because I don't have a million things I need to process about being an adoptive mom and life in general.  It isn't because I don't yearn to be a part of the community that kept me sane for all those years. 

It's about time.  There just isn't enough of it.  There's always something that needs my attention it seems.  Hoping that will change now that I have finished one of the big time drainers...

I graduated with a second master's degree last Saturday.  This is my second MSEd, this one in Instructional Technology.  It was tough doing it all while working full time and being a new mom.  I'm DONE with taking classes for a LONG time now!

Our sweet boy is now 10 months old.  I missed his 9 month update here on the blog, but here is the gist of what I sent to his birthmom last month:

Quinn continues to grow into an amazing little man.  He's a little over 23lbs and 30 inches.  His height is now officially off the growth chart!  :)  He is on the move, and has mastered crawling, but we're pretty sure he'll be walking in no time.  He's also learned to clap for himself, and does it regularly when he pulls himself up to a sitting position.    Bottles are still his preference over solid foods, but we are working on that!  His favorites continue to be cereal and sweet potatoes with apples and he isn't a fan of anything green. 

His personality continues to blossom.  He's a really happy little guy and has a little twinkle in his eye that tells us he's got a mischievous side as well.  He's a little bit of a daredevil and is in constant motion.  He's almost always smiling and has an infectious laugh.  He and our dog Romeo are already partners in crime.  Romeo has learned to sit very close to Quinn's high chair, especially when he's eating!

Quinn "celebrated" his first Halloween as Clark Kent/Superman.  He loved greeting the trick or treaters at the door and passing out candy.  He also enjoyed his first trip to a corn maze with our swim team and attended the Illinois swimming Athlete Recognition Dinner. 

Our little Clark Kent:

We had our family portraits taken to commemorate Quinn's adoption being final.  Here are a few of our favorites:

He's now ten months old, and is growing and changing every day.  His personality is really emerging.  I can't express how in love we are with this little man!

He has eight teeth and will eat most things that are fully pureed, but wants little to do with anything textured.  Hoping he grows out of that soon!  He has 8 teeth and the next one is already starting to break through.  With his set of teeth, he could be eating steak!  He still loves his bottles but also has discovered that he really likes yogurt and other sweet treats. 

He is fully crawling, and wants to get into everything.  He loves music and rocks to the beat with just about anything.  He's standing on his own and has discovered his crib can double as a trampoline.  We're sure it is only a matter of time before he is walking. 

He was the unofficial mascot for the Warren HS girls swim team, and loved every bit of attention from the girls on the pool deck.  He's also enjoyed visits from our college swimmers as they have come home for visits.  We love that he has so many young adults who want to be a part of his life.  It makes our heart happy to see each of them make a connection to our sweet boy.

He's continuing to top the charts... he's more than 30 inches tall and about 25lbs.  He's wearing 12-18 month clothes for the most part and in 5w shoes!  He wasn't a fan of shoes at first, but is starting to tolerate them since they help him stand and get where he wants to go.  He's back to sleeping through the night, and for that we are very thankful!

His official birth certificate finally arrived right before Thanksgiving.  This was the final piece of paperwork we needed for his adoption to be completely final.  Next step is to get a passport for any adventures we hope to take.

We took him to see Santa over the weekend.  As you'll see from the photos, he wasn't much of a fan.  We know that he'll come around in a few years for sure.  There simply aren't words to describe how excited we are to celebrate Christmas with Quinn this year.  The entire holiday season takes on a new meaning for us this year.  As we close out 2013, we simply can't believe how blessed we are to share our lives with this sweet little guy!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday.  We are still pinching ourselves each day that we get to finally spend our holidays with the magic of a child.  Our hearts are so very full this Christmas!